A Modern Formulary: Exciting New Developments from Big Pharma
Euforitox
Fresh from successful Phase III trials and awaiting FDA approval, Euforitox™ is indicated for the treatment of relentless positivity.
If your oral cavity has ever leaked the phrase “happiness is a choice,” or you have at any time encouraged another human to adopt an “attitude of gratitude,” then this exciting new drug is for you!
Acting on the façadovibe transmitter, this drug creates new neural pathways that allow the user to process systemic barriers to human needs and comprehend the unremitting pain of actual suffering.
Side effects may be severe and can include crippling shame and regret, but those effects can be mitigated by remembering that everything happens for a reason.
SanctimoniFin
The FDA is finalizing approval of this exciting new treatment for hyper-connoisseuriasis.
Common symptoms of this social malady include saying things like “that Chinese place out by the cement plant? I know, right? So great. We order from the owner’s personal menu of course. It’s in the 好啊看看啊 dialect and the chef consults a Shang Dynasty oracle bone before approving your selection. I’m sure the regular menu is fine, though. No, it’s cute that you like it.”
SanctimoniFin™ works within the epicuritool centers of the brain to restore the sufferer’s ability to enjoy things that are also enjoyed by other people.
Sycophicantrex
Though only in the Phase II stage of testing, the FDA has approved Emergency Use Authorization of this drug, which is indicated for treatment of the intolerable condition of being Tucker Carlson.
Sycophicantrex™ belongs to a class of drugs called laryngo-blockers. Early trials suggest that it may mitigate the worst symptoms of Tucker Carlson by blocking the sufferer’s ability to speak. May need to be combined with surgical options in some Tucker Carlsons.
Tranquilivox
Less medical solution than behavioral aid, Tranquilivox™ has recently been approved for treatment of the persistent tendency to conduct public telephone conversations on speakerphone setting.
This operant conditioning adjunct enhances the cochlear nerve to render the patient’s hearing so powerful that any sound above a gentle whisper causes unbearable physical discomfort.
Shouting into a phone alone at Starbucks, the user will collapse in agony, clutching at the ears while writhing on the floor in pain. Behavioral changes may take from four to six weeks to establish. Side effects may include contusions and abrasions from hitting common objects while falling.
Levoprohibiped
Levoprohibiped™ is indicated for treatment of the persistent tendency to post pictures of one’s bare feet on social media, where other people can see them. Symptoms of the more virulent strain of this tendency include high-definition close-ups of blackened toenails, pedal lacerations, and bruising.
Levoprohibiped™ activates repugnamine receptors to restore the user’s normal sense of disgust. This mechanism of action frees the sufferer to find less repulsive ways to humblebrag about their recent mountain bike trip to Moab.
Haltrionix
Haltrionix™ has been approved as a targeted treatment for Drama Queen Syndrome (DQS), which is characterized by an appetite for attention similar in intensity to the gravitational pull of a dying star. DQS has been identified as a grave public health emergency due to the symptomatic screeching and frothy-mouthed hysterics that so often disturb weddings, dinner parties, and countless public spaces.
Haltrionix™ works on the optic sensors to allow the user to fully perceive the existence of other humans. May need to be combined with Narcicease for full effect in some patients.
Kancilibro
Kancilibro™ is a long-awaited treatment for chronic mansplaining. Targeting mysogexprt receptors, researchers hope that this drug will cause sufferers’ brains to develop the capacity to see women as fully human.
Currently, the drug is stalled in Phase I testing because of the lack of male subjects willing to admit they need it.
