Not Strong

What if disaster struck and we weren’t “Vermont Strong”? What if we were the literal worst?

Governor’s Emergency Press Conference

11 a.m. State Capitol Lawn, Montpelier

Ladies and Gentlemen, Members of the Press:

Struck by a ruinous natural disaster, our beloved Green Mountain state has suffered immense injury and devastation. In the face of this great and daunting challenge, we have responded terribly, for we are Not Strong.

Our lethargic first responders have been working tiredly, for minutes on end.

Weak from the muscle atrophy of sustained inactivity and riddled with bedsores, our firefighters have answered the call of duty with the sullen indifference of a teenager told to clean a litter box.

Paramedics and EMTs, urged to tend to the injured during this time of great need, exclaimed: “Eww, blood!” and waited for an easier assignment. Something that involved stopping at a Dunkin’s at least.

And as I stand before our half-completed municipal building, now actively on fire, I can’t help but remark upon the spectacular indifference expressed by neighbor toward neighbor in our really-just-terrible state.

Cries of “Why bother!?” and “I mean, isn’t there someone we can just…call?” sound weakly throughout our stricken towns.

When the need was greatest, our people slouched as one, rolled their eyes, and mumbled “nah.”

As our collective resilience dissipates like a light morning fog, I wish to thank the emergency crews from neighboring states who are rushing to assist us with their manpower, resources, and exasperated condescension.

We hope they bring snacks!